New Diet Rules

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet coke whilst eating a chocolate bar, the calories in the chocolate bar are cancelled by the diet coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.